Parenting Resources
Welcome to the APCYF Parenting Resources page
Parenting is the most challenging, and rewarding, jobs that we have!
Research shows that a strong and positive parent-child relationship is crucial to a child’s development.
Webinars: Here are a variety of parent-focused webinars for tips on how to manage behaviors, care for yourself and more.
Screen Time vs Scream Time
Kids, and we, connect to work and the world through various devices, here's how to manage screen use.
Strong parenting begins with relationships that caring adults create with their children. Here are 5 ways to build a strong and supportive connection, with tips and additional articles.
Start by listening– using ears, eyes, and heart
Make time– to talk, play, teach, and listen.
Recognize and validate their feelings.
Tell them what they do well.
Have clear boundaries and expectations: tell them what you want, and don’t want, them to do
How do I talk to my kids about…?
When a child asks about, or shares information on, a touchy topic we sometimes freeze or overshare. Answer them honestly clearly. Some How to's on talking about common topics are below.
...Social media
...Stress, fear and anxiety.
Start by listening
“The first duty of love is to listen.” – Paul Tillich
Listening, real listening, means using the ears, eyes, mind, and heart. What does that look like?
- Show them you’re listening: make eye contact, put down your own device, get down on their level; ask questions.
- Use the 1 out of 5 rule: in a 5-minute conversation, they should talk for 4 of those minutes. If not, you might not really be listening.
- Repeat back what they say, It shows that you’re listening, and can give you time to think before you react.
- Ask real questions. “Can you tell me more about that?”, or even just “Interesting –keep talking."
What does listening look like on the inside?
- Clear your mind of all the other things you have going on in there – dinner prep? laundry? Your boss?
It can wait. If it really can’t wait, make an appointment with them to have the conversation later!
- Pause before you reply; many times we are busy preparing our words instead of hearing theirs.
- Listen without judging.
Want an easy reminder at home? Download and print some "LUV Listen cards." Put one on your fridge. Invite your children to show it to you when they feel you’re not listening.
More about listening
This blog from Huffington Post offers a story of parent listening and summarizes 6 ways to help parents be intentional about listening.
From a Today Show series, Why you should listen to your kids. The advice is timeless, despite being from 2004.
As Jim Higley points out in this article, sometimes listening is enough by itself.
PBSKids offers a series of quick articles and reminders on Positive Ways to Talk and Listen; examples are for little kids, but the concepts work for any age.
Make Time to Talk
“To a child, LOVE is spelled T-I-M-E” – Zig Ziglar
Few parents have enough time to do everything, which is why it is important to make time. Where can parents make time in the course of a busy day to talk (and listen)?
- Eat together. Dinnertime can be hard. So how about breakfast? Set a goal to share a meal at least 2-3 times a week (at least!). Also make the eating table a device-free zone.
- Schedule it! Rather than hoping to have time, make it a priority. Plan a parent/child date, game night, or even snuggle time.
- Rides to activities or the store are great times for conversation. You’re all in the car together. And often it is easier for teens to talk when they don’t have to look at you.
- Be available when they are. It might not be convenient for you, but giving them even a few minutes can have a big impact on them – and your relationship.
- Do chores or a project together. Dishes, cooking, laundry all need to get done; let kids share while doing these together.
A few additional articles and blogs about making time:
Recognize and Validate Feelings
“Feelings can’t be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem.” – Anne Frank
Parents often unwittingly deny children their feelings. How many times have you heard (or said) “Why are you upset? You had a treat and now want more?”, or “Don’t be sad!”
All children - and adults! - have a right to their feelings. How they act when they’re upset is a different story. As parents, acknowledging what children are feeling, and naming it, can help them to understand and process their own emotions. This is an important starting block to building empathy.
What are ways that parents can acknowledge feelings?
Name the feeling. Whether they are really excited, terribly disappointed, or incredibly angry, name it. “That really got you mad. Wow.”
Show empathy. You don’t need to understand why they feel that way, just understand that they are feeling that way. We have all been anxious, stressed, sad – so we can related to what they are feeling.
Explore what caused them to feel that way. An argument with a friend? A decision you made as a parent? Ask open-ended questions. Sometimes it helps to suggest what you think they might be feeling, as a way to start the conversation.
More about validating kids' feelings with Positive Discipline.
Tell Them What They Do Well
Studies have shown that parents are much more likely to call attention to negative behaviors than positive ones. Research also tells us that a 5:1 ratio of positive:negative interactions is necessary for a healthy relationship. How can parents flip the numbers?
- Catch them being good. Pay attention, and notice of things they do well.
- Tell them what they did well. Don't just say ‘Good job!', kids are expert detectors of empty compliments; be specific:
“When you took out the trash, I noticed you even picked up little pieces that fell out – thanks for being so thorough!”
- Praise their effort. Children can’t control change how ‘smart’ they are, but they can decide how hard they study. Acknowledge that!
“I know you worked hard and put a lot of time into that science project. I'm impressed.”
A few additional articles about helping them succeed: